One sunny summer day I decided to take a walk around my town
due to my enjoyment of going for walks. But as I walked past my local bank it
exploded in a massive conflagration. Out of the flames strutted a chitinous
robot that was at least 4 meters tall, as it strolled by me the robot stopped, looked
down at me, handed me a DVD, grew a pair of wings and rocketed into the sky. I went
home to watch my new DVD.
I kicked
open my front door and cartwheeled over to my computer where I stuck the DVD
into its mouth and slapped its head to play the DVD. In response my buff Orc computer
screamed as his chest split open revealing a screen and keyboard. The DVD began
to play showing a title screen called “Garfielf’s Gluttony” I willed a sack of Flaek
Korn into existence to munch on while I enjoyed my cool video.
It opened
with a still frame of a house taken from a house add, I knew this as the price
tag was still visible. The house lacked a lawn as the lawn was actually a bunch
of rats. The house itself was in pristine condition but was clearly full of
ghosts. A mailman began walking up the steps, but it was clear he was green screened
in as the house was still a still image. He placed a package on the door step
and the vibrated out of existence.
The words “7
hours later appear” as white text on a black background that moved to fast. The
film cut’s back to the house as John slithers out of the door. He is a badly
made 3-D model that barely resembles the character and is T-posing. John picks
up the package and slithers back inside his house.
Inside John
is confronted by a crudely drawn Garfield, neither of them have an actual walk
cycle.
“John, may I have the lasagna.”
“No, you wasteful sack of adipose, you have already feasted
upon you weekly allowance of lasaga. I shall not grant you more.”
“If I do not get the lesangna I shall explode.”
“Then I will glue you back together using the dog again.”
“No.”
At this a
heavily pixilated gif of a mushroom cloud appears in Garfield’s space. However,
he is fine aside from having a poorly cropped fire filter over him. John walks
past him and places the package on the table. We get to see writing on the box.
It reads “To Garfield, with love the Sorcerer King”.
“Garfield I must work, I will be back in soon.” John floats
upwards through the ceiling and vanishes.
“I need lasaga.” Garfield screeches and he climbs atop the
table.
“This package is for me, John shall pay for his crimes.”
Garfield eats the box.
The screen
begins changing colors and distorting while sludge metal begins playing before
everything explodes, implodes, explodes again then proceeds to cover the entire
history of the universe and earth starting from the big bang and ending with
the life of Jim Davis as he is drawing Garfield’s comic. The scene zoom
transitions into the comic panel Davis is working on.
It is Garfield’s
house looking pristine.
Then
innumerable teeth burst from the earth surrounding the house as a gargantuan mouth
devours the entire thing. The mouth morphs and is revealed to be Garfield’s
engorged head that sags into the hole it just created like a blob of Oobleck.
From the Garfield head various branches of flesh begin to grow and drag the
rest of the Garfield’s enormous, slug-like body out of the earth.
The Branches
begin dragging the Garfield forward while several large, gangly arms begin
grabbing fistfuls of dirt and stuffing them into his maw.
“Itt is pain, I wish for death but As an immortal BeINg I
CAnnOt DYE!” He screams. Missiles fly towards him but the Garfield begins
singing and the missiles turn into Lasagna and are eaten by the Garfield.
“The Lasaga is my most precious nectar, I will break time and
reality for it!”
The Garfield’s
mass begins swirling around like a whirlpool with the Garfield’s head at the center
remaining still. This carries on for several seconds, Finally the Garfield’s
head splits open and begins puking blood into the sky. The Blood begins
rotating in the opposite direction and the Garfield whirlpool.
“No God is safe!” Bellows the Garfield as he begins growing
ring shaped tentacles covered in eyes and starts levitating. Both whirlpools
are still happening. Pans of lasagna start raining from the sky.
John, still
T-posing, vibrates into existence.
“You have started the apocalypse because you have been
deprived of your lasagna! I disown you cat!”
“I shall have my LAsaga and I shall end Za Warudo for my precious
nectoer!”
The sky
shatters like a glass ceiling as the vortex of blood rapidly begins increasing
in size and covers the entire sky. The Garfield grows two long spindly legs and
starts walking on them while it uses its arms to scoop the lasagna rain into its
maw.
The Garfield’s
blood vomit then transforms into tomato sauce.
My focus is
robbed from me as I look out the window to see it’s raining lasagna and tomato sauce.
A lasagna breaks through the ceiling, hit’s my computer orc and kills it. I get
up from my computer and go outside to see the Garfield feasting upon the
lasagna and John was yelling at it.
Annoyed I
summoned my best yelling voice, pointed at the Garfield and shouted
“The Lasagna rejects you!”
The wind
picked up and the lasagna and tomato sauce began falling lighter and lighter until
it stopped completely. The Garfield looked upon me in shock and horror.
“The LAsaga cannot reject me, I am it and it is me!”
“The Lasagna does not care, it has rejected you!”
The vortex
of tomato sauce was split open as a gargantuan lasagna surrounded by burning
wings and rings covered in eyes descended. It spoke in a deep billowing voice.
“True it be, You are forever banned from eating the lasaga by
order of the lasaga goddess.”
The Lasagna reached out and burned the Garfield on its head
causing it to scream.
“NO GOD IS SAFE!” The Garfield surged forward and attempted
to eat the lasagna. The Lasagna flew upwards in response and the Garfield
followed in turn. After several minutes the two had left orbit then the Lasagna
exploded killing the Garfield. It rained flesh bits and John melted into tomato
sauce.
END